February 2012
39 posts
So I just saw something about “traditional” roles in a relationship & how men are the leaders & providers & shit & it reminded me of when he brought me bags on 14. I was trying to take the box from him & he just smiled & goes on about me trying to be all self-sufficient. He was just so eager to stay & do everything for me.
Im definitely a self-sufficient...
I ate & now I feel kinda bad.
I hope I can just start working out more that my afternoons are open. I want to be skinny so bad. I want the trim legs. I want to be so little that he just picks me up off the ground, that we can hang around on the beach with little clothes on look hot, I want girls to look at me & wish they had my body.
So this blog is reserved for posts that I deem unacceptable for my main blog. That includes my eating problems & guy problems, but is not limited to.
Guy Problems.
Sarah convinced me to add him on FB. He accepted a mear 4 hours later. I of course creeped his profile. Hes just really cute.
I work every single day this next week so if hes there, so will I.
Next time I see him, I hope Im...
Im always super self conscious about saying I want to slim down - Cause if people dont already percieve me as a fat glob, they do now.
I told Emory that a few months ago, I was sitting around saying how I wanted a job & money & now Ive got both. Id love in a few months to go “Remember how I was sitting around saying how I wanted to be skinny & cute & now I am?” [Cause...
Kelly Clarkson is his jam.
lol.
.25 of a personal pizza
whopper
7 grasshopper cookies
Not too bad for getting back into routine.
Yesterday someone asked me how much weight I lost. I said I didnt think I lost any & they proceeded to tell me how I look like a slimmed down a lot which motivates me to keep at what Im doing.
Then later Reagan & I were talking about how we wanted to be more trim before summer & idk. I just really want this, more than anything. I will be slimmer. I will wear a cute swimsuit this...
"Look at me"
And so now, in the middle of an order Im staring at him, making eye contact & after a second I go “Now what?” & hes like “Tell me what time it is, without looking at the monitor” & Im like “I just looked at the time, so I bet its 620” looks at clock “Yeah its 620” “Yeah, but you knew the time because I told it to you with my...
I daydream these cute scenarios. Hoping that well exchange numbers & well be as cute in text as we are in person. Hoping that maybe well be more than co-workers over the summer & spend time in each others company. I hope that I can muster the courage to say something to you. If we havent gone anywhere before summer then I will definitely ask, because hopefully I’ll be much thinner...
Every time I tell myself I shoulda applied for ASM I remember if I did & got it I couldn’t date him (if by some chance that situation arose)
Idk. He brightened my day though.
So cute & chatty & all the laughs.
When will I learn that I feel better when I dont eat. I eat & feel like shit. I dont eat & Im light & happy & feel more confident.
Sometimes, when I walk over to help him finish bagging an order, idk why this makes me laugh, he like sarcastically dares me to bag things. [FYI, I cant not complete a dare, I just cant not.] & these are stupid dares, but theyre cute & he always acts like hes proud he got me to do something.
I hate that he wanders into my thoughts when I’m in school. I like him a lot but I feel like a pathetic school girl thinking about him all the time. Hoping I cross his mind maybe once per hundred thoughts I have about him.
I even make up stupid situations in my head & daydream cute things that could happen.
2 tags
I dont have a list of things I would want in a guy or need in a relationship, but as I get to know him, there are things I think that would be super cute if we were a couple.
Fact: Im gonna be skinny.
Fact: Im gonna be super cute.
Fact: This summer will be the best summer ever.
Fact: I will do anything to make sure all of the above are true.
I hope to fall back into the habbit of not eating [Im eating less & less everyday trying to go back to that] & if I can find a way to exercise my thighs, then I think by summer I’ll have a better looking body. Its just the thighs & abdomen that really bother me, the arms are just a bonus.
3 tags
Larry is hanging around 14 while Cute Guy & I are on break hanging with Liza. & Hes kinda bothering us & being loud & carrying on.
Me: Larry, I used to think that ADD/ADHD was something that parents & doctors made up to drug their children, until I met you & now I fully believe there is such a thing.
Cute Guy: *bursts into laughter* OMG, that is so mean *laughs more*
Larry: *stares at me blankly* I have ADHD... I just dont take my medicine.
I cant even think bad thoughts when hes around or when hes on my mind.
Thats how good he makes me feel.
As much as I think it would be cool to have something more with him, I love what we have now. Im afraid of changing it. I dont want to take away this feeling.
Random things that will make me think of him:
Rainy days
Taylor Swift songs
Rotisserie chicken
Wine carriers
Blackberries
Voodoo dolls
I feel like a failure when I eat.
To the point I’d rather cut
“I was doing well then I came over here & ate rice & drank Pepsi”
I might just suck it up & go to the gym with Sam.
Note to self, dont cave. You will feel worse.
I hope I come across your mind half as much as you are on mine.
I want to remember how bad I feel after I ate. I promise to work all of this off & more tomorrow & eat way less. Exception is the aftershow taco bell [which will only be fresco]
I must be skinny. Im not going to give up this time.
You throw me for a fucking loop. One minute youre acting like a prick and the next youre all starting the conversation with me & trying to keep it going despite my short answers.
I dont know why I try - feelings suck & I know that Im gonna be disappointed. Im mad that I even let these feelings develop.
Here is a plan, a promise of sorts for myself.
A list of goals?
I want to lose atleast 25lbs-50lbs & get my car before summer starts - When I accomplish both of these things, I want to cut off a decent amount of my hair [to a medium length - maybe just do 12” for locks of love] & splurge saved money on pretty new clothes.
Goals that I intend to achieve.
Hes standing on my right side, looking down & smiling, I always note his smiles, and I just loved how his name tag pulls his collar away from his chest & his tattoo peeks through. Its really sexy.
Im slowly, losing weight - Im 5lbs lighter than like 2 weeks ago. My stomach is a little flatter, my sides are tighter & even my hands seem smaller. This is motivation to stick through. I know I could wear a skimpy swim suit this summer if I could just fix my legs
I took about 3 days off & Im back today. If I actually kept at it, I know I could look exceptional in a skimpy swim suit. If I only found a way to slim my thighs.
2 tags
He was standing there talking to me & I was saying how I loved how slow it was, we had no customers & he goes “You better knock on wood” & I just laughed & said “It doesnt matter to me, Im going home in like 2 minutes” & he goes “Yeah, but I’ll still be here & it will get real busy & that would suck” Then he walked to the front...
Where I feel we stand
We joke around a lot & I interpret some of the things he does [& suggestive things he says] as flirtatious.
He makes a point to be in my presence.
Hes opened up a little to me - showing a little bit of vulnerability - which made him 10x’s as sexy.
Weve reached the point where you can invade the other person’s personal space [my favorite example is when...
So ya know when you have a day you feel really thin? Everytime I looked in the mirror I felt thin, people gave me compliments about me looking thin & it just boosted my self confidence - I get home & look at a picture that Lisa took of me today & ugh, I look like a fat blob.
It makes me want to throw up my dinner.
My dreams consisted of 2 awesome things
Cute guy being cute
Paramore
Both are awesome - Both made me wake up smiling
In my dream - I was on the phone & he was like lying on the couch playing with my hair & distracting me & part of me is kinda embarassed to like a guy so much that Im having dreams mabout him, but at the same time - it was so cute & I think if I could just muster...
When I got up to get him the napkins to sop up the water….. he made this “aww” that just melted me.
He was really sweet & cute & ugh. I hope he keeps his Wednesday shift (:
This is the first day in a few weeks Ive felt...
I wish I could bring myself to throw up.
His shirt was pulled down & you could see his...
Geez.
It was kinda really hot.
I hate liking him so much. Its hard to see him & not just smile.
1 tag
I was just drumming/tapping/beating my register & he starts to match me & I look at him & he smiles & goes “I just made that up” “Oh did you?” “Yeah, you can buy it on iTunes” *laughs* at the same time we both joked how it was one of the $1.99 songs - cause thats how popular & awesome it is.
That sparked an interesting conversation about...
On break I spill water on me & Liam is just like “nice!” & I go “I know, I’m so graceful” & cute guy goes something along the lines of “I don’t think that’s what graceful means”. I turn to him & go “define it then” & Liam just goes “ohhhh” like shit was gonna go down & cute guy hesitates and...
I just ate a full normal meal - Salad (lightly dressed), reasonable portion of spaghetti [about a fist full size] & a piece of cheesy toast & 2 cookies for dessert.
I could throw up Im so full.
January 2012
28 posts
The fact that I was told that I looked like I lost weight today & slimmed down motivates me more.
Ive never had so much eye contact & no words with someone before.
We always catch each other staring at one another. Sometimes I’ll pretend Im staring at something behind him or next to him til he looks away, but then sometimes, our eyes just kinda meet until we both say What?….. peanut butter.
I know what Darcy says makes sense, but just cause it doesnt make sense on paper...
Him: *His hand to the side of his face his eyes peeking through until our eyes meet - then he puts the hand back*
Me: *Scoffs* How rude!
Him: *laughs* Whats up?
Me: Im not talking to you now. *hand to the side of my face*
-seconds pass-
Me: Okay, Im too nice not to talk to you.
Him: Whats up? *smiles*
I love when he says things in french & spanish. He knows its cute.
“Excuse moi”
“Gracias senorita”
Just ugh.
Im so proud of how little Ive eaten in this past week.
Im still afraid to step on the scale & start counting numbers though.
The suckiest part of knowing you have feelings for...
1 tag
I just want to know up front if Ive got a shot.
I dont want to go through this to be crushed or to humiliate myself.
I want to either focus on making my feelings go away or mustering up the courage to do something about the feelings.
I just endulged in 3 cookies. bleeeh.
I ate 5 crackers & now I feel so full.
I like that it only takes 5 crackers to stop the growling in my stomach.
I love the feeling of being empty though.